In relationships of all types, the battle of independence-dependence will be one of many stickiest points that individuals need to cope with.
Since we’re all so totally different, every of us has a higher or lesser need for freedom and independence and that’s the place the “rub” is available in.
If you happen to’re “too” impartial in relationships, there’s little or no connection, it doesn’t matter what form of relationship it’s. There could also be nice love however the different particular person can really feel like one thing is lacking within the relationship and that he/she is being held at arm’s size.
If you happen to’re “too” dependent, the opposite particular person can really feel smothered and seek for each alternative to have some freedom. You’ll be able to turn out to be codependent and look to the opposite particular person to fulfill all of your emotional and vanity wants. You’ll be able to come to imagine that you simply’re not okay except you’ve got the approval of this different particular person.
We see this dynamic in {couples} who battle with jealousy however it may occur once in a while in any relationship.
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Through the years, as circumstances in life change (like a job change, retirement, empty nest or change in well being), the entire independence/dependence subject can shift and trigger friction and misunderstanding. Your preferences conflict and also you don’t know the right way to deal with it.
So how do you address various needs for independence and dependence whereas nonetheless holding a detailed, related, open, loving relationship?
How do you steadiness and honor a necessity for independence in addition to preserve a robust connection?
Listed here are a few of our concepts…
1. Take heed to your self and know what you need–with out believing all of your fearful tales
To be able to join with one other particular person, you need to study to attach with your self first. Don’t bury your emotions, considering that you’re being “sort” in appearing in a sure manner that you simply assume the opposite particular person needs or wants.
Not essentially true.
You’ll be able to’t assume that you understand greatest for the opposite particular person primarily based in your fearful considering.
You’ll be able to solely take heed to what’s inside you, separating the fearful tales you is perhaps making up from what’s actually occurring in entrance of you.
“Is that true?” is a superb query from Byron Katie that’s actually useful to separate out your reality from what you’re making up.
2. Take heed to the opposite particular person with an open coronary heart and keep within the current second
Listening with an open coronary heart means not assuming and leaping to conclusions. It additionally means staying within the “right here and now,” with out leaping to the longer term or staying caught previously.
All types of fears can come up while you deal with these independence/inter-dependence points and your greatest line of protection is to remain targeted on the current second.
Don’t play the “what if” recreation or imagine all of the tales that you simply may make up in your head. It all the time brings up fears that normally don’t materialize.
3. Categorical what you need in a manner that opens the door between the 2 of you and isn’t defensive, controlling or demanding.
Once you undertake a defensive method when you’re expressing what you need, the opposite particular person normally energetically “steps again” and might shut down any connection or line of communication.
Pay attention to your vitality as you specific your self. If you happen to’re unclear the way you “come off” to others, ask a trusted pal for some sincere suggestions. Don’t accuse the opposite particular person however inform what you’re seeing about your conduct and what’s happening with you.
Develop into conscious of your tone of voice, your non-verbal mannerisms and your phrases. Chances are you’ll be stunned on the suggestions that you simply get while you ask.
Love is all about respecting and honoring one another and that features honoring and understanding one another’s wants for independence and inter-dependence.
